Вицове на чужди езици

[razs]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

— Ты почему такая толстая?
— У меня трое детей.
— Ты их что, съела?

[green]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

I asked a Chinese girl in the mall for her number. She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said, "Wow!"

Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

[Chinela]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

[Scrapheap]

От: Смяяяях....

"Неудачей закончилось в РФ создание нового боевого робота. Он получился слишком реалистичным. Через 15 минут после запуска, он сдал всю свою медную проводку, напился, изнасиловал бензовоз, крикнул "Крым наш!" и вышел из строя..."

[green]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post.
As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, "hey old woman, have you ever danced?"
The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "no,... I never did dance... Never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said "well, you old bag, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old woman's feet.
The old woman prospector -- not wanting to get her toe blown off --started hopping around. Everybody was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said, "son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "no m'am... But i've always wanted to.
There are five lessons here for all of us:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.

[Chinela]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

[gadeff]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

Где я?
- В раю, Мухаммед, в раю.
- Слава Аллаху. А про девственниц правда?
- Правда, Мухаммед. Правда..
- Слава Аллаху. А почему у меня грудь и ...?!
- Понимаешь, Мухаммед, девственниц не хватает.

[Сианга]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

[Absolut]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

Просто и ясно, като за начинаещи:

[Сианга]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

http://q-video.ru/?p=4328

[green]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

[green]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember but you were in a huge pile-up on the Motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything; however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have about $9,000 insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build you a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.
But I understand that you have been married for almost forty-three years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.
If you had a ‘5 incher’ before and get a ‘9 incher’ now she might be a bit put out.
If you had a ‘9 incher’ before and you decide to only invest in a ‘5 incher’ now, she might be disappointed.
It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes, I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes, she has" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
..
.
"We're getting a new kitchen."

[ak101]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him. Mick says, "How you doin?" "Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing." Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed. He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you." They say, "Get away with ya.... Prove it." Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?" Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of Fuckin one?"

[turtey]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog stand.
The vendor asks "What'll it be for you?"
The Buddhist says, "Make me one with everything".
So the Buddhist gets his hot dog, one with everything. Pays the hot dog vendor with a 20$ bill. The vendor takes the money, and then nothing. The Buddhist is confused for a moment, until the vendor replies. “Change must come from within.”
After that the Buddhist pulls out his Glock from under his robe, points it at the vendor, and says, "My change, now". The vendor says, "What happened to inner peace?" The Buddhist replays, "This is my inner piece".

[green]

От: Вицове на чужди езици