Вицове на чужди езици

[green]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass, Millie, Nelda, Elma, Lacey, Sippy and Rosie.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator. 'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?'

'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale.

[green]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

What's common between weapons and women?
If you have them in your house, sooner or later you'll begin to plan a murder.

[green]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some good advice to his granddaughter.
He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her porridge every morning.
The granddaughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great great grandchildren and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

[Slick]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

Спрашивают моряка: Был ли случай, чтоб
Вам было реально страшно?
- Перевозили мы как то груз - 10000 кукол.
И попали в шторм.
И вот когда корабль накренился вправо, то все эти 10000 кукол хором сказали
"Мама! "
Вот тут я и обосрался...

[green]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber takes a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.
But he wanted to know what would have happened If he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.."

[BatGeorgeone]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRIvv6BNDd8

[green]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

1. She is not a "BABE "or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
10. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS: - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
11. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER.

[tef4o]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

1. She is not a "....

She is not FAT, She is Gravitationally Challenged...

[Иван Горчев]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

Математическо доказателство на тезата "The less you know, the more you make"


Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
And since Knowledge = Power and Time = Money
It is therefore true that Knowledge = Work / Money .
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done.

[Tihomir(imageo)]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."

"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"

The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."

"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."

[tef4o]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

Математическо доказателство на тезата "The less you know, the more you make"


Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
And since Knowledge = Power and Time = Money
It is therefore true that Knowledge = Work / Money .
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done.

Ванка, тая теорема е отдавна доказана по нашите земи. "Хвани мързела на работа, да те научи на акъл"

[n_petrova]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

Madame, quel est votre auteur prefere?
- Un metre soixante dix.

(аксоните излизат така на превюто - è - затова няма никакви ударения)

auteur(автор) и hauteur(височина) звучат еднакво.

[green]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free.

It's women who make it hard.

[valdivladi]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

- You know the problem with sushi ?
- You mean, besides eating it with you ?
- It's all fleshy and flappy and wet... feels unnatural against my tongue....
- Hey,you know what Al?
- What?
- I think I know why your marriages didn't work out.

[BatGeorgeone]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after
playing in the playground during their break time.

The teacher says to the first child 'hello Becky, what have you been doing
this playtime?'

Becky replies ' I have been playing in the sand box'

'Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell "sand" on the blackboard, I
will give you a biscuit'

Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'

Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box'

'Very good' says the teacher. 'If you can spell "box" on the blackboard, I
will also give you a biscuit'

Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.
Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box
with Becky and Freddie?'

'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time
I went near them they started throwing sand at me and calling me nasty names'

'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like blatant racial
discrimination to me -

I tell you what, if you can spell "blatant racial discrimination" I will
give you a biscuit'