Вицове на чужди езици

[ivied]

...понеже ми писна да чета вицове на чужди езици в другата тема, ето, тук е мястото, заповядайте

[green]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

Japanese Sex

A Japanese couple is in an argument over ways to experience highly erotic sex.

Husband says: "Sukitak..."

Wife replies: Kowanini.

Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!

Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!

Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!

And YOU just sit there, reading this shit as if you understand Japanese!

[green]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

A man received the following text from his neighbor: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant "WIFI", not "wife".

[tef4o]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

встречался с ней целый год и мы решили пожениться. Единственное, что меня смущало — это ее младшая сестра, которой было 20 лет, она надевала мини-юбки и обтягивающие маечки с большими вырезами. Перед свадьбой она позвонила мне и попросила, чтоб я пришел и посмотрел на свадебные приглашения. Когда я пришел, она была одна. Она сказала, что у нее есть чувства и желания, которые она не в силах преодолеть, что хочет заняться любовью со мной только один раз, перед тем как я женюсь на ее сестре. Я не знал, что ответить. Она сказала: "Я иду в спальню, а ты, если хочешь, просто возьми меня". Я был шокирован. Она сняла трусики и кинула их мне. Я постоял немного, потом вышел из дома и направился к своей машине. Мой будущий тесть стоял на улице. Он меня обнял и сказал: "Мы очень рады, что ты прошел наш маленький тест. Теперь мы точно знаем, что ты подходишь нашей дочери! Добро пожаловать в нашу семью! "
Мораль : Всегда оставляй презервативы в машине...
;.........
Купил мандарины в супермаркете.Пришел домой,открыл,а там из 15 штук 5 оказались с плесенью!Ну,я мандарины в охапку,чек в руки и пошел ругаться.Начал с кассира,потом менеджер подтянулся.Нет бы извиниться да заменить.Так нет,он на принцип пошел,нормальные,говорит,мандарины.Я ему сказал:
- Хорошо,если нормальные,ешь.Если съешь и не поморщишся- без претензий,тут же уйду.
Тот согласился.Съел два и говорит- все,мол,это дневная норма.А я ему- какая дневная норма,ешь все.Съел он все пять штук плесневелых- и ведь видно,что давится,лицо аж позеленело,но ест!
- Молодец,А теперь зови старшего менеджера.
Тот подходит.
- Дайте мне новые мандарины,потому что ваш сотрудник мои только что сожрал.
Не забуду этот взгляд никогда. А нечего было выпендриваться!

[green]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

ZEN TEACHINGS

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you pass wind.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass - then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[slowtraveler]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

Любопытное наблюдение: если сказать «почтовый» — все скажут — «ящик»... а вот если сказать «ящик» — практически каждый ответит — «водки»!!!

[Vili4ka]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

How do you get a fat chick to sleep with you?
Piece of cake!

[green]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

Stuttering Cat - as explained by a Grade 4 student:

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff,' but before she could say 'Fuck!,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to leave the room.

[Сианга]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

[BatGeorgeone]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

На грузинской свадьбе один другому:
- На многих свадьба я бывал, но такого невеста еще не видел - не пойму вообще - баба это или мужик.
- Эй, замолчи вообще, а то я тебэ зарэжу здэсь - это моя дочь.
- Просты, дарагой. Я не знал, что ты отэц этой красавица.
- Тебэ пиздэц, - я ее мать!...

[tef4o]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

— Я горжусь двумя великими людьми — Гагариным и Ньютоном. Один попытался сбежать с этой планеты, а второй доказал, что у первого ничего не выйдет.

[green]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

Yesterday my eldest daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing …”, I said.
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me" she said and suggested I go down to the Senior Citizen Club and spend time with the boys.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you crazy? You are 73 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of aeroplanes?"

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief Dad, where are your glasses!
This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do ... I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun

[huko]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

Из дневника иракского партизана:
"Понедельник. Мы выбили американцев из Ум-Касра. Захватили порт и нефтяные вышки.
Вторник. Американцы нанесли массированный удар и захватили Ум-Каср и нефтяные вышки.
Среда. Появилась служба безопасности "Лукойла", долго ругалась и выгнала нас с американцами воевать в пустыню... "

[green]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

I bought a new mobile phone.
It was made in Malaysia.
I switched it over to ‘Flight Mode’, now I can’t find the bloody thing!!

[Сианга]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.
"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at only £20."
"Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well", replies the assistant, "It used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up,
"I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying she buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "Fuck me, a new brothel and a new madam".
"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel," scolds the woman trying not to laugh.
A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.
"Un fucking-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.
A short while later, the woman's husband, Dave, comes home.
"In-fucking-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients.... How ya doin', Dave?"