Вицове на чужди езици

[green]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

If sex with three people is a threesome, AND sex with two people is a twosome...I now understand why they call you handsome.

[turtey]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

У немца есть жена и любовница . Любит жену
У француза есть жена и любовница . Любит любовницу
У еврея есть жена и любовница . Любит маму
У русского есть жена и любовница . Любит Путина

[Absolut]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

...Българинът има жена и две любовници. Обича да има.

[Сианга]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

[green]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

An Australian couple are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker.
She's not quite sure what to do, being a blonde Aussie, so the husband says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy.
Tell him you'll charge a hundred dollars.
Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."
She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?"
She says, "A hundred dollars.
He replies, "All I got is thirty."
She says, "Hold on," and runs back to the husband and asks. "What now. What can he get for thirty?
"A hand job," the husband replied.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He agrees and she gets in the car.
He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back.."
She runs back to the husband.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy dollars?"

[Сианга]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

[gadeff]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

Старо, ама златно:


An arab at airport:
- Name? - Abdul Al Razhib.
- Sex? - Three to five times a week.
- No, no, I mean: male or female? - Yes... male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holly cow! - Yes... cow, dog, even sheep.
- But isn't that hostile? - Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh, dear! - No, no... deer run to fast!

[razs]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

Слухи о богатстве Билла Гейтса очень преувеличены. Нечему завидовать! 18 стран на Земле богаче него.

[Иван Горчев]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

The basic concept of time travel: Never do yesterday what should be done tomorrow!

[green]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

Farm Kid Writes Home After Joining The Marines.

Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.
We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice

[Сианга]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

A woman was having sex with her lover in her apartment, 20 floors high; suddenly she heard her husband arrive.
She told her lover: "Stay like statue and don't move".
Husband: Who is this?
Wife: This is a robot I bought to have sex with when u r traveling.
Husband: OK, let's have sex now!
Wife: No sweetheart, yesterday I got my period; so I will go & make a cup of coffee 4 u.
After she left, the husband said "Damn it I'm so horny, I will f*ck this robot!
He tried f*cking.
The lover started talking in a metallic robotic way:
"SYSTEM ERROR!
WRONG HOLE!
SYSTEM ERROR!
WRONG HOLE".
Husband: Damn it! Robot is not working properly. I'm throwing it out of the window.
The lover realized that he was on the 20th floor, so he said:
"SOFTWARE UPDATED"
PLEASE TRY AGAIN!".

Това със същия успех може да се публикува в IT Вицове

[Иван Горчев]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

Boy and a girl. Girl:
- Just ended a 5 year relationship.
- Oh....are you okay?
- Yes, it wasn't my relationship.

[Сианга]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

[Georgi_G]

От: Вицове на чужди езици

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?

I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.

So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?

[green]

От: Вицове на чужди езици